A first-time film, made with first-time writers and first-time directors, on a low budget, with little-known actors, is what you need to know about Viking Siege.
A group of women are serving food and drink to a bunch of randy old monks, plotting to kill them all for the taking of their families.
Then the Lord of the land joins the party and things get tricky. Then a bunch of Viking-type blokes, who don’t speak English, turn up, running from tree-looking humanoids who want to kill everyone and can only be killed by stabbing them in the eye, and things are really tricky.
The women attack, slaughtering most of the monks with some of the girls killed as well. This leaves some of the women, a couple of monks, the Vikings and some slaves who were trapped in the basement.
Luckily, one of the slaves happens to speak the language of the Vikings. They want a boat, to escape the marauding tree-type people, but there isn’t one, and the sea is too rough to swim in.
Budgets are low and, therefore, production values are below where you’d expect, whilst the acting is stiff and the plot slow.
We never know whereabouts in the world we are with Viking Siege, but everyone has a northern English accent, whilst the script, written by Philip Dyas and Alastar Kirton, is crude, crass and filled with characters acting like modern-day ‘geezers’, using modern-day language.
Director Jack Burton points and shoots whilst regularly splashing the screen with blood during stabbings and slashings. Most people die by spitting copious amounts of blood from their mouths.
Just wait till you see the final titanic battle between the tree-people, the big, scary (not scary) tree monster leader-thing and the group. That’s when one of the slaves turns out to be a martial arts specialist and can take of the tree-people by kicking and punching and by this point I’ve no idea what’s going on or why some die and others don’t.
The fact is though, none of this matters. Whether you watch this film and think it’s bad because of the poor acting or low production values all pales when you consider it’s just not a good story and, what story there is, is told at a pace which would put the most hyperactive of us to sleep.
The film is also known as Attack Of The Tree Beasts and this title makes more sense. Calling it Viking Siege means you have expectations of Vikings, not ‘geezers’ with strong Yorkshire accents.
As a first time production it’s really not that bad, I’ve seen much, much worse. The idea is sound, just falters at the point of execution.
Still, the DVD, including trailer, of Attack Of The Viking Tree Beasts Siege, is out on the 26th December 2017, just in time for the new year. So that’s nice.