The VelociPastor

I Think My Hands Are Immune

With tongue so far in cheek it is a wonder it doesn’t burst through, Brendan Steere (“A Cat In The Forest”, “Animosity”) takes a 2011 school project trailer of the same name and turns it into a feature length film.

If you are in any doubt about whether this is a comedy or not, and if the title isn’t convincing enough for you, the opening scenes in which our main man, Priest Doug Jones, Greg Cohan (“The Blacklist (TV)”, “Space Available (TV)”), loses his parents to a car-bomb, sees Steere replace the actual explosion and subsequent aftermath with the words “VFX: Car on Fire”.

This is Grindhouse filmmaking on a the usual shoe-string budget. Everyone is onboard and committed, in fact Cohan, and co-star Carol, Alyssa Kempinski (“Heart Of The Beast”, “Killian (Short)”), perform admirably throughout.

Carol is a prostitute who Jones saves one-night on his first time turning into the VelciPastor. And yes, the VelociPastor is a man in a rubber suit with some dino-noises. If you’re already put-off, you won’t be getting on board with the tongue-in-cheek nature of Steere’s film.

Jones heads to China after his parents are killed, questioning his faith and on the advice of his mentor Father Stewart, Daniel Steere (“The VelociPastor Trailer (Short)”, “Monster! Or, The Re-Dead (Short)”).

Whilst in China (it’s definitely China, not a local park), he comes across a woman who is shot by an arrow (“are you hurt?”, he asks). Whilst in the last throws of life she hands Jones a dinosaur tooth which, as he’s walking through the woods in China, he ends up cutting himself with.

This is what endows Jones with his dino-powers, though it takes him a while to get to grips with it and Carol to talk him into using it to help the “greater good”.

However, there are those that want to stop anyone using this power and it’s Wei Chan, Jiechang Yang, who wants to rule the world with his evil master plan, queue evil laughing, a lot of evil laughing.

With Chan’s ninjas attacking Doug, and losing obviously, Chan takes things up a notch by kidnapping Father Stewart, leading to an almighty face-off between Doug, Carol, ninjas, Wei Chan and, of course, the dino.

It’s fair to say you aren’t all going to like The VelociPastor, however, if you are up for a laugh and want a break from the CGI-heavy MCU universe-esq films that dominate at the moment than the VelociPastor is going to be right up your street.

After losing his parents, a priest travels to China, where he inherits a mysterious ability that allows him to turn into a dinosaur.

13th August 2019

Brendan Steere

Brendan Steere

Running Time:
1h 15min

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