Agent Jade Black

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19th January 2020

To save you the hassle of reading the whole review I can sum Agent Jade Black in one word: Awful.

If however you’d like to revel in the details of why this was such a terrible movie then lets begin;

The Storyline: Agent Jade Black (Katie Burgess) faces off against the shadowy rogue agent Elle (Connie Franklin) as she tries to unleash a biological weapon on the kingpins of the sex trade.

First issue, people involved in human trafficking aren’t usually the type you have round for tea and biscuits, I’m with Elle on this one, why not get rid of them all? Secondly that’s a pretty unimaginative storyline.

Agent Jade Black: Black is suppose to be a globe-trotting hard-as-nails super agent, a little bit like another JB character but with childhood issues, however Burgess plays her two dimensional poorly scripted character badly, so much so that at time you wonder if you’re watching a spoof.

In the first minute of the film you see her running like a school girl around a desert – this is not someone who looks like a trained killer. After some running around she lowers herself onto the sand with all the athleticism of an arthritic sloth, then proceeds to aim and fire a pistol, which she looks about as comfortable holding as she would a steaming turd.

Casting & Acting: Poor all round. Burgess has clearly been chosen for her looks not her acting talent. Roan (Caleb Fellenstein) thinks that cool & confident can be achieved with constant head lolling and peering over the top of his Maverick sunglasses. No, it can’t, you look like you’re having a stroke. Connie Franklin (Elle) overacts every scene she’s in and the rest of the cast are forgettable at best

Sound: Barely passable. The quality and volume fluctuates wildly, sometimes the speech is mumbled and ill-defined often being overshadowed by wind, closing doors or just about any other background sound. The use of sound effects didn’t help much either, there were plenty of examples but in the 1st minute a baddie falls onto the desert sand to the sound of someone hacking apart a table.

Special effects: Nothing special here. The first 30 seconds of the movie when stock-imagery explosions light up the desert sets the bar for the whole movie. Having said that the decaying skin make-up of the victims of the biological weapon were quite impressive.

Filming: Amateurish. Some of the scenes shot in the movie have the most awkward angles possible, I’m unsure if the space was to blame or the director just picked the first angle he came to. Elsewhere there are camera judders where during a scene with no camera movement someone behind the lens has clearly walked into the tripod. There are also a number of times when a stray finger creeps into view at the edge of the screen.

Script/Storyline: If terrible American daytime TV was the style they were going for Terry Spears (writer, producer & director) hit the nail on the head. The script is full of awful one-liners, cliché situations and is completely unimaginative. Even if Spears had hired decent actors no-one could have done much with this script.

I rate Agent Jade Black so badly not because it’s the worst thing I’ve ever seen, Lord knows there are worse things out there, but because it’s the kind of thing that should never have been made. It’s cheaply made, badly acted, badly written and badly filmed. It exists purely to try to get a bit of money and only adds to the already heaving waste-dump of filmography.

Black, Jade Black. No, stop it. Get in the bin!

THE QUICK SELL
A female spy thriller starring twenty-something action heroine Katie Burgess. From vet stuntman Terry Spears.

RELEASE DATE
7th January 2020

DIRECTED BY
Terry Spears

Running Time:
1h 41min

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